Reclaiming Your True Self: Tools for Navigating the Unmasking Process
Overview: This article supplements the “Masking and Autism 101” article on the basics of masking, its causes and consequences. This article provides tools for identifying masking behaviors, building self-acceptance, fostering safe spaces, and the process of unmasking. The information herein is meant to be used in conjunction with the “Unmasking Autism Toolkit.” Download the toolkit at the end of this article.
Masking, as discussed in “Masking 101,” is a complicated practice of hiding aspects of a person’s personality in order to gain social acceptance and avoid ridicule. While masking may aid in relationship formation and maintenance, it can also cause burnout, depression, and loss of sense of self. To better understand and regulate masking, autistic individuals must first determine if they are engaging in the practice, if so, why, and then focus on stopping or controlling problematic masking behaviors.
Am I Masking?
The first step to regulating masking is to recognize it. Masking most often occurs in challenging social situations, such as meeting new people, large groups, at school or work, and when interacting with authority figures. There are myriad signs that a behavior may be masking.
Signs of Masking
Exhaustion and Burnout
Inconsistent Behavior
Delayed Responses
Scripted Speech
Overthinking Social Interactions
Lack of Authenticity
Anxiety and Stress
Avoidance of Social Situations
Physical Discomfort when Socializing
The above symptoms may not be solely attributed to masking, but they are common experiences for people who have been masking. A survey for personal evaluation of these symptoms of masking behaviors is included in the personal development tools associated with this article.
Self-Acceptance
While masking is an inherently social issue, the management of masking starts as a personal process. Masking begins when a person receives negative feedback to a certain behavior – they feel mocked, ignored, or otherwise judged – or when they assume that they will receive a negative reaction to the behavior. This results in walling off the behaviors to avoid social consequences with the flawed expectation that changing one’s personal behaviors can cause others to change their thoughts and reactions. Individuals can control their own thoughts and behaviors, but not that of others. This recognition is pivotal to successful management of masking behaviors.
The process of managing masking begins with self-acceptance. Everyone has quirks and dispositions that they worry others will reject. But it is those unique eccentricities that make us who we are and what makes the world interesting. It is true that other people may judge a quirk, but others may also find it endearing. What ultimately matters most is that a person accepts, and hopefully embraces, the quirks and oddities that make them who they are. A person comfortable with themselves is more likely to be embraced by others. Learning to love oneself is the first and most important step in the process of unmasking.
Self-acceptance does not mean giving in to every imperfection. It can also mean embracing the process of improving unwanted characteristics. If a person has a personality trait they do not like, the trait should be addressed and improved even if it does not cause social discomfort or rejection. Autistic young adults have reported that some social skill development is beneficial, and that they do not have to alter everything about themselves to feel increased social confidence (Hull et al., 2024). When growth comes from a place of self-love and acceptance, the process of improving skills is a fruitful endeavor.
Safe Spaces
Another key to managing masking is to have spaces – relationships, environments, outlets – that are safe from judgment and ridicule. In these safe places masking is not necessary. Safe places allow autistic people to be themselves and provide the opportunity to identify and understand their interpersonal skills and characteristics that may need development or change.
There are many benefits of a “safe place.” It can be a social outlet that is free from judgment and or the need for extra effort. It’s an opportunity to embrace quirks and interests that might otherwise be rejected or unappreciated. Research and anecdotal reports show that the creation and use of safe environments is one of the most beneficial tools for autistic individuals.
Safe places can be:
Online Communities
Support Groups
Interest-specific Clubs and Groups
Community Centers
Sensory Sensitive Events
ASD-Specific Schools, Events, Camps, etc
Anywhere someone feels safe to be themselves
An informative benefit of a safe place is that it can help people to understand their growth edges. In a supportive environment an individual can embrace their diagnosis, restricted interests, sensitivities, and social quirks without judgment. In this environment they can more easily find the traits or skills they are struggling with and wish to change or develop. This type of self-identification is more likely to lead change and growth driven by personal desire rather than social expectations. Healthy personal growth is thus a critically important value of the use of safe places.
Unmasking
Unmasking can be a scary and overwhelming process, but it is nonetheless a critical and necessary component of overall health and wellbeing. Unmasking can take time and is not always a linear process, but when done correctly it will help achieve a more authentic self-expression. Steps for unmaking vary for each individual and their masking tendencies, but the process often includes the following
1) Foster Self-Acceptance
Unmasking may lead to judgment in some environments, so it is important that the individual going through the process simultaneously works on self-love and acceptance regardless of the judgment of others.
2) Identify Traits to Unmask
Once feeling increased self-confidence, the individual must identify the traits that they most want to embrace in a more public way, such as: to:
Stimming Behaviors
Restricted Interests
Facial and Verbal Reactions
Verbal Tics
Clothing, Hair, and Appearance Choices
Sensory Sensitivities
3) Unmask in Safe Spaces
Pick one or more safe places to intentionally unmask and embrace the trait or behavior. If it is more comfortable, you may wish to alert people of your experiment, or you may just go for it and be your unencumbered self. It’s all a matter of personal preference.
4) Practice Self-Acceptance
Regardless of whether or not there is negative feedback during the safe space unmasking sessions, there will be internal stress in the process. It is important to practice self-acceptance by repeating a positive mantra, embracing positive self-talk, or complimenting yourself like one would a friend. This kind of practice – even when things are going well – is critical to prepare for potential judgment when unmasking moves from the safe space.
5) Unmask in an Unsafe Place
Pick one trait to unmask at a time and start showing it in potentially unsafe spaces. It is often easier to start small, but sometimes people are more comfortable going all in all at once. Here, it’s truly a matter of personal preference and comfort.
6) Practice Self-Acceptance and Advocacy
Throughout the unmaking process, it is critical to practice self-acceptance; to show love, kindness, and grace to oneself - which is the ultimate goal and the reward of unmasking. If it is comfortable, you may even advocate for yourself to foster more social acceptance in unsafe spaces.
Unmasking While Still Growing
Unmasking does not mean complete acceptance of all one’s behaviors without critical evaluation. The process of unmasking may in fact reveal undesirable traits or behaviors that need to be addressed rather than just masked. Perhaps someone has a tendency to be unintentionally rude or hurtful in conversation, or maybe a stimming behavior causes friction with a loved one or restricted interests interfere with the completion of essential tasks. This is not to say that unmasking is not warranted in these situations, just that it is often healthier for the individual to work with a professional to alter or amend the behavior rather than mask it. It is through the process of unmasking in conjunction with sincere reflection and growth that these behaviors can be identified.
The difference between masking and changing unwanted behaviors is important. Masking hides behavior out of fear of judgment. Growth requires admitting that the unwanted urge is real and consciously employing tools to alleviate it. If a person is bothered by their leg shaking, then growth would require that person to recognize when they feel the urge, analyze the situation, and develop suitable replacement behaviors when leg shaking might be disruptive. The shaking is unmasked and sincere, and the potential change comes from a desire to accommodate rather than avoid shame. This process includes a recognition that it is unrealistic and unfair to expect others to accept or ignore behaviors that they find disruptive while not requiring the individual to engage in the unfair practice of masking. This balance is critical to growth sought by so many autistic individuals and their loved ones.
Conclusion
Unmasking is a beneficial step toward overall well-being ~ a step that can help reduce or avoid depression, anxiety, and poor identity development. It is a process that requires identifying masking behaviors, building self-acceptance, identifying safe and unsafe places, and consciously challenging masking when it occurs. Unmasking can be a challenging, but ultimately rewarding process for many autistic people and their loved ones.
Reference
Hull, L., Rane, S., Lee, S. H. L., & Sedgewick, F. (2024). “Just Ask What Support We Need”: Autistic Adults' Feedback on Social Skills Training. Autism in Adulthood.